I’ve had enough. Of a lot of things.
But I am also enough.
On January 1st, I had a revelation. I received a download while in the shower. It is hardly earth shattering, but it was and still is as I ponder it daily. What constitutes as enough? And how am I showing up in life as enough? Is that even enough for me?
Side note: I seem to get a lot of inspiration and messages when water is running/flowing. In fact, while I was in Japan 11/12 years ago, I remember constantly being drawn to the water - the brooks, pools, and rivers where water flowed, gurgled, or whispered it’s sweet soft music to me.
Back to my revelation though…it occurred after attempting to do too much - both involved carrying too much. In the first instance, I was filling a basket with oranges from my friend’s orange tree in her backyard. She had told me to grab a few for myself, and I was excited for fresh oranges picked by my own two hands, and grown and nurtured by one of my favorite people in the world. I was also selecting the oranges for a brunch to celebrate the New Year, so I had to select enough fruit for 25+ people and to take with me. And I grabbed too many. They overfilled the basket and kept falling. I was also standing outside without shoes on gravel, so I was not comfortable. I inevitably decided to put the basket on the table not too far away and pick up the fallen oranges. I then carried everything inside.
The second instance involved carrying dirty clothes, clean clothes, and a cup of coffee upstairs to the shower I was using. The laundry room is also upstairs, not too far from the bathroom and rather than go up and down multiple times, I decided to carry everything up in one go. As I was headed up, coffee spilled on the newly planted white/cream carpet and I panicked. Fortunately, there wasn’t a stain - the coffee landed on my belongs more than the carpet.
Once I got upstairs and in the shower, I was hit with the word “enough.” And I understood that both moments were learning lessons. That I needed them to remind me that I am and have enough. That I’ve always been enough. That I will always be enough. And that enough is okay, good, and satisfying. As my body processed through the the emotions and thoughts that came up. I kept going back to all the ways in which I physically embody not being enough - how I give too much, or offer too much, or compensate with more, usually of myself, to be more accommodating, or likeable. I’ve done this for every job, whether I’ve benefited from it or not. Often times, justifying a lack of reciprocity.
I also have absorbed this not enough-ness with food and eating. I overeat to compensate from all the ways in which I haven’t felt like, received, or believed in enough. Where other areas have felt lacking, food was there to soothe and provide. This is unhealthy, and with my medical diagnosis from last month, I am unlearning this behavior. I am tackling what enough looks like through food, as well as how different hunger for more in life is from bodily hunger to sustain my body.
If I go back to the two lessons on January 1st, what also presents itself is how I always feel that I need to carry and do more. I dislike so much the notion of going back to do something when I can do it all together or at once. I catch myself doing this all the time - carrying four IKEA bags of dirty laundry to the car, that’s me. Carrying all the grocery bags upstairs, even if they might break, that’s me. Carrying too many things in my work bag, making it uncomfortable to carry, when I go to the coffee shop, that’s me. I am that person that believes I need to carry it all; that all these burdens are mine to carry. That hasn’t been able to ask for help.
Now, I’m laying it all down. I am doing enough. I am enough. My heart is enough. My love is enough. My passion is enough. My belief is enough. My work is enough. The work I do is enough.
The alternative to enough is not enough. It is insecure. It is hustle. It is harder. It is always seeking in ways that aren’t sustainable. It’s overtaking and oversharing, sometimes. It’s asking for external validation rather than internal. It is always wanting to know, or thinking we always know. It is procrastination. Its all stuff I’ve had enough of, or that I no longer want to align myself with.
Enough is enough. Many times, enough is a breakthrough. It stops us in our tracks and redirects us. It is an awareness that for 43 years, I have been enough. I just didn’t see or trust myself enough to believe it. It is sitting in the plenty that is Sara, and the plenty that is you, and responding accordingly, not out of fear, anxiety, or anger, but in enough. Enough that this isn’t working, but enough in another way; a simpler way, a more knowing, trusting, and patient way. A way I’ve known my whole life, just couldn’t imagine as a reality for myself.
My heart is thankful for this new entity. It is grateful to be enough. For those who love the Tarot, I’ve finally reached the 10 of Wands. Finally!