The Covid pandemic of 2020 was a doozy. It is funny to reflect on it now, three years later, because it feels so far away, yet it wasn’t that long ago, and it is still happening in one of those slow burn kind of ways. On this day in 2020, I was about to turn 40, and now, here I am about to turn 43.
I was one of the ones who enjoyed lock-down. I never truly felt locked down. I wasn’t upset by social isolation, in fact, I felt like I got closer to some of my dearest. I spent a year cooking, baking, and making. It was also a huge year of love and lessons. And while I would hate to go back to that fateful evening where a tower came crashing down, I’ll mark it here because it was just one layer of a tower that would eventually bring me to here, this post, and where I am in life, as I get closer to 43 years of age in 16 days.
I’m exploring forgiveness in this post because I’ve been thinking about forgiveness as a spell. An act of will. Not just for me, or you, as the individual, but for others, whether they are people or situations.
for·give·ness fər-ˈgiv-nəs fȯr- : the act of forgiving
for·give fər-ˈgiv fȯr-
forgave fər-ˈgāv fȯr-
; forgiven fər-ˈgi-vən fȯr-
; forgiving
1: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon - forgive one's enemies
2a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital (see requital sense 1) for - forgive an insult
b: to grant relief from payment of - forgive a debt
With this in mind, let us explore the word forgive and it’s friend forgiveness.
Since 2020, I had to forgive a few situations and people. I say had to because this was what I needed in order to forgive myself.
I had to stop feeling resentment and debts to myself before I could forgive others, because I understood, especially over the last year in particular, that the situations and people I’ve sat in this space with, were all reflections of myself. I’m not saying that the individuals are innocent or did not act in the ways they did that hurt, took advantage or, or manipulated me, but how they disentangle themselves from their actions and the ramifications of those actions to their spirit and self, is on them, that is not for me to absolve. These situations occurred because I felt scarce, abandoned, scared, and I was unprotected - I had no boundaries, nor did I understand what I truly needed and wanted. Of course, these people and situations allowed me to understand what it is that I want and need. Because of this, I have been able to shift myself in a way that allows me to slow down and (hopefully!) not seek out similar situations. In other words, I’ve been able to rewire parts of my emotional and intelligent being to re-frame and break patterns.
I know this sounds all spiritual/hippie-dippy, and it is.
To me the act to forgive and to extend forgiveness is deeply spiritual. It encompasses a space that is above the ego and the petty feelings of unfairness and hurt. It seeks a greater justice than that in which we in a physical space can imagine. It also involves a sense of trust in powers more than us alone, but includes our ability to believe, to have faith.
Even more than forgiveness, I had to ask for healing. Which go hand in hand. When we reach a part of forgiveness, where we are able to forgive - to let go of something - we have reached a part of healing. We may have in fact, healed whatever that something was/is to move forward in a new way, with a bigger sense of ourselves and what we might bring into the world. I know this has been my experience.
I’ve waxed poetic here on more philosophical things than given actual examples, so I’m going to vaguely share bits about two of the biggest situations/people I needed to forgive. And then I’ll share about how this involved forgiving myself.
In both instances, I allowed people I wanted deep intimacy with to hurt me. Both I trusted, although with some hesitancy. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I shouldered on. In both cases, I didn’t listen to red flags that were raised, that kept showing up that left me unsettled. These events happened a year apart from each other, actually two years apart from each other. One took place throughout 2020 and the other in 2022, although it started in 2021. Both people were spiritual teachers, but one was also an herbalism teacher, one that goes by “spiritual herbalist.” Both people had patterns in my life of anger, “breakups” and returns. Both were a lot like cats - everything on their terms.
I say they were reflections of myself because I am also like a cat. I want intimacy and distance. I like the hunt. My cat, Spam, loves a good hunt, and then leaves the dead item laying around for me to find whenever I find them. But also, being so scared from a lot of things I’ve loved to believe that nothing would stay, or even better, that I was not worthy of anything staying. Funny, that one of my favorite songs by The Postal Service The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, has lyrics that says,
You seem so out of context
In this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key
Explaining that I'm just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving
When I left DC in 2006, this song played constantly in my ears. I felt it was a great reflection of my time in DC as a college student and then resident in Alexandria, Virginia who worked and played in DC. I still feel the same about the song, but it does speak to a larger sense of how I viewed myself as a young adult, always seeking something more, something to belong to, but feeling that I was always going to be worth leaving, or doing the leaving.
And I carried that and through every relationship until 2020 and 2022. The lock-down reminded me that I had put down six years of life in the suburbs of New Jersey and that I felt comfortable and a sense of home. It allowed me to feel more in my body and to understand that I am what I am and it is me, always me that I need to come back to. I am not worth leaving myself.
I realized probably in early 2022 that these two situations and people were lessons for me to understand what is worth fighting for and what is not. One person is someone that I hope to heal with and the other is someone I do not. One person I still love deeply and possibly forevermore and the other is someone I did love and I’m grateful for the knowledge and wisdom passed to me; who I hope finds a better way of interacting with others, and who is found out for the person they really are, but that is not my fight, nor it is my job to speak out or do that work. What is my focus is to move forward with no resentment or residual anger, but with love for the lesson and myself. That person is no longer even in the periphery of my life.
From this understanding, I have direction and healing. I can let go knowing that part of this process was the discernment of myself - my wants, desires, heart, boundaries, and values. Putting both of these people ahead of myself was a betrayal of myself. Allowing myself to be worked to the ground was a betrayal of myself. Allowing my ideas, voice, and personality be manipulated was a betrayal of me, Sara.
Which brings me to the ultimate act of forgiving myself. I allowed myself to walk into these situations. I allowed myself to believe that things and people could change. I do believe people can change, but it often takes more time that I have given both of these people. In the one case, I had conflict with my teacher in the spring of 2020, yet we worked together on something in the fall of 2020 and then I was a student in her program in 2021, to only fall out for good in the fall of 2022. There was no time in between for reflection. There was just a need on my end to belong to something and to want to believe in something and so I jumped at every opportunity.
There were many beautiful moments during this period. For example, I made some dear friends during this time and ideas sprang up and I felt new life, but I also was suffering. One of the symptoms I felt during this time was a dryness in my whole physical body. I felt like I could never drink enough water to quench my thirst. Once I moved away from this person, and over the course of 2023, I’ve regained my self of fluid balance. And my understanding of the lesson is that when something or someone makes you feel dry, you are not in balance or alignment and it’s time to center yourself and make the necessary decisions. But also, lets do our best to never end up in a situation where you feel dried up.
With all this in mind, I recognized that I needed to sit with myself and really ask myself what I was looking for and why? I am still reflecting, but what I have come away with is that I didn’t see my value and I was looking for it externally. And in both cases, things had to shift, towers had to fall because I was never going to get the validation I was seeking outside of myself.
We are conditioned to seek external validation through work, people, material items, clothing, spirituality, and health. I have learned that work is never going to give me what I want, especially work done for other people. The art and design I create for myself and put out in the world is more of what I need. My friends have shown exactly who they are and how much they love me - I am lucky in deed! Material items and clothing are just that. Yes, I do want to look cute and I want the things that I want, but I know they are temporary manifestations of who I am in the moment. Health is a bit more tangible - I want to be healthy, but I want to be healthy to continue as a being, not to look good in clothes.
I saved spirituality for last because it is more weighty. I have wondered just how much of faith and spirituality is real and how much is it for show? When I was young, around eight, I made my first communion at Blessed Sacrament Church in Brooklyn, NY and I knew it was a sham. I questioned everything I was learning about Jesus and Christianity. I drove my mother crazy. And now, as a practicing witch, I know that while I do call myself a witch and practice as a witch, it is not about looking for projecting as a witch. It is not about wearing my witch practice as a statement. It is deeply about how I feel in this practice. To me my spiritual practice is about healing and being able to show up as a whole spirit in a physical body. It allows me to commune with nature and my beloved cat, Spam. It finds me working, growing, and talking to plants and trees and the Earth. It has helped me to forgive myself and the two people I have referenced in this post.
I think about this as I wonder about where we are in the world. We are all grieving and we are all asking for forgiveness and seeking to forgive in some way. Ultimately, we all reckon with our past and present behaviors in the hopes that we can find a stronger, more firm footing for the future. While some of us will change from grappling with these questions and reflections, some/many of us will not. And that’s okay because where we start is with ourselves.
As we head into the holiday season next week, we should reflect on what and who we need to forgive and where we can forgive ourselves. That way, we can show up to our tables as a slightly better healed person and offer that as something we are grateful for experiencing and sharing with our loved ones or strangers we may find ourselves in community.